Sex is great, right? There’s nothing better than having a good romp or playing in unusual spots. There’s nothing I enjoy more than swapping sex stories and I for one think everyone needs a sex-positive friend in their life. We all need somebody that will look at your nudes before you sent them and tell you to #werk it. I also think everyone can benefit from having somebody who they can ask anything, too. As somebody who has experienced a lot of slut-shaming (I mean, haven’t we all?), I try to be that friend. I want to live in a world where a sexually confident women doesn’t lead to fragile men speaking of her in a derogatory way. I have always been so unapologetically open about sex and I’ll never shy away from the details. Which is why I wanted to talk about something that doesn’t get enough coverage and that’s sexual anxiety.
When I look back over the years, I don’t think I became sexually confident (or fully satisfied) until I entered my current relationship. This happened when I was twenty two and I had been sexually active for eight years! I had no trouble having sex, but I wasn’t confident for a number of reasons. I was inexperienced, my partners didn’t make me feel good about myself, and most importantly, the bedroom wasn’t a sex positive environment. So here are a few ways you can be sex positive and create a comfortable environment.
Ditch the idea that having sex all the time should be your goal
Having sex is a normal and healthy thing, but so is not having sex. There is this damaging expectation that in order to be sexually satisfied, you have to be having sex 24/7. Everyone has different sex drives and this expectation creates a lot of unnecessary pressure. When it comes to sex, I really think people should focus on quality over quantity. Would you rather have average sex every day or mind-blowing sex every so often?
In addition to that, this expectation completely alienates those who identify as asexual or gray-sexual. Not everyone is a sexual being and that’s okay. Sex positivity is about owning your desires and I think we often forget to own our lack of desire as well.
Communication is key
I think a lot of people seriously underestimate the bond our sexual organs and minds share with one another. For many of us, arousal definitely ties into how we’re feeling as well. If I am stressed out or down, sex is the last thing on my mind (which is ironic because it’s what I need the most). People are keen to find a ‘quick fix’ for these kind of situations such as buying sildenafil online or just powering through anyway. This may work for some, but it’s not always the best solution.
There is a lot of pressure on both men and women when they fail to ‘perform’. Instead of ignoring this situation or trying to find a quick fix, we should be talking about it instead. This may seem like an embarrassing thing to do, but it is absolutely crucial when creating a sex positive environment. There is nothing worse than dealing with something on your own. Not only will you feel better, you’ll be able to talk about other things too like what you want more of, things you want to try and so on.
I also think we live in a society that still isn’t comfortable with women talking openly and confidently about sex. So talking about is essentially a revolutionary and empowering act! It’s also important to note that not everyone wants to talk about things like this, which is also fine. However, I do feel like talking to your partner(s) is worth trying.
Consent is absolutely essential
I can’t believe, in 2016, I am still having to include this point. Consent can come in many forms and it absolutely needs to be present. I have never really touched on consent before because I find it a difficult subject to write about.
I guess this is something that can be different for everyone but I aim to only have sex in which all parties are enthusiastically consenting. Sometimes my partner and I will try have sex and when it doesn’t work, we’ll stop. We don’t force it and we certainly won’t carry on if one of us isn’t as turned on as the other. This isn’t a reflection on either of us, it’s just sometimes we’re not always up for it. Maybe he thought he was in the mood but he’s actually not, maybe I’m not as wet as I could be, or maybe we’ve just changed our minds. The point is we only want to have sex that we both want.
Stop slut shaming others
People are unique; different things liberate different people. Slut shaming also means shaming people who have different sexual preferences to you. Just because something doesn’t turn you on, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It doesn’t mean these people that enjoy certain kinks are weird and should be treated as such.
I think it’s really easy to talk about your sex life and inherently shame others. I used to do this all the time growing up! I think we should all challenge ourselves on the reasons we’re uncomfortable by people owning their sexual desires.
This is a collaborative post but all views are my own.
What do you think?