How To Create A Sex Positive Environment In The Bedroom

How To Create A Sex Positive Environment In The Bedroom

Sex is great, right? There’s nothing better than having a good romp or playing in unusual spots. There’s nothing I enjoy more than swapping sex stories and I for one think everyone needs a sex-positive friend in their life. We all need somebody that will look at your nudes before you sent them and tell you to #werk it. I also think everyone can benefit from having somebody who they can ask anything, too. As somebody who has experienced a lot of slut-shaming (I mean, haven’t we all?), I try to be that friend. I want to live in a world where a sexually confident women doesn’t lead to fragile men speaking of her in a derogatory way. I have always been so unapologetically open about sex and I’ll never shy away from the details. Which is why I wanted to talk about something that doesn’t get enough coverage and that’s sexual anxiety.

When I look back over the years, I don’t think I became sexually confident (or fully satisfied) until I entered my current relationship. This happened when I was twenty two and I had been sexually active for eight years! I had no trouble having sex, but I wasn’t confident for a number of reasons. I was inexperienced, my partners didn’t make me feel good about myself, and most importantly, the bedroom wasn’t a sex positive environment. So here are a few ways you can be sex positive and create a comfortable environment.

Ditch the idea that having sex all the time should be your goal

Having sex is a normal and healthy thing, but so is not having sex. There is this damaging expectation that in order to be sexually satisfied, you have to be having sex 24/7. Everyone has different sex drives and this expectation creates a lot of unnecessary pressure. When it comes to sex, I really think people should focus on quality over quantity. Would you rather have average sex every day or mind-blowing sex every so often?

In addition to that, this expectation completely alienates those who identify as asexual or gray-sexual. Not everyone is a sexual being and that’s okay. Sex positivity is about owning your desires and I think we often forget to own our lack of desire as well.

How To Create A Sex Positive Environment In The Bedroom body

Communication is key

I think a lot of people seriously underestimate the bond our sexual organs and minds share with one another. For many of us, arousal definitely ties into how we’re feeling as well. If I am stressed out or down, sex is the last thing on my mind (which is ironic because it’s what I need the most). People are keen to find a ‘quick fix’ for these kind of situations such as buying sildenafil online or just powering through anyway. This may work for some, but it’s not always the best solution.

There is a lot of pressure on both men and women when they fail to ‘perform’. Instead of ignoring this situation or trying to find a quick fix, we should be talking about it instead. This may seem like an embarrassing thing to do, but it is absolutely crucial when creating a sex positive environment. There is nothing worse than dealing with something on your own. Not only will you feel better, you’ll be able to talk about other things too like what you want more of, things you want to try and so on.

I also think we live in a society that still isn’t comfortable with women talking openly and confidently about sex. So talking about is essentially a revolutionary and empowering act! It’s also important to note that not everyone wants to talk about things like this, which is also fine. However, I do feel like talking to your partner(s) is worth trying.

Consent is absolutely essential

I can’t believe, in 2016, I am still having to include this point. Consent can come in many forms and it absolutely needs to be present. I have never really touched on consent before because I find it a difficult subject to write about.

I guess this is something that can be different for everyone but I aim to only have sex in which all parties are enthusiastically consenting. Sometimes my partner and I will try have sex and when it doesn’t work, we’ll stop. We don’t force it and we certainly won’t carry on if one of us isn’t as turned on as the other. This isn’t a reflection on either of us, it’s just sometimes we’re not always up for it. Maybe he thought he was in the mood but he’s actually not, maybe I’m not as wet as I could be, or maybe we’ve just changed our minds. The point is we only want to have sex that we both want.

How To Create A Sex Positive Environment In The Bedroom toy

Stop slut shaming others

People are unique; different things liberate different people. Slut shaming also means shaming people who have different sexual preferences to you. Just because something doesn’t turn you on, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It doesn’t mean these people that enjoy certain kinks are weird and should be treated as such.

I think it’s really easy to talk about your sex life and inherently shame others. I used to do this all the time growing up! I think we should all challenge ourselves on the reasons we’re uncomfortable by people owning their sexual desires.

 

This is a collaborative post but all views are my own. 

 

What do you think?

 

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33 Comments

  1. Georgia
    July 22, 2016 / 12:19 pm

    This post. Seriously amazing! I honestly admire you so much, Tara! These photos are so uplifting and really confidence boosting too! You look great!

  2. Rachel Waugh
    July 22, 2016 / 3:36 pm

    I just want to scream hell yes to everything in this post!
    I also aim to be “that” friend.

  3. July 22, 2016 / 8:36 pm

    I agree with everything in this post. Communication is such a key thing, sex is never going to be great if you’re not confident enough to explain things you do and don’t like x

  4. July 22, 2016 / 9:10 pm

    This post is so so important, I literally agrees with everything you said especially the slut shaming and feeling down and not wanting to sex is sometimes the last thing on your mind. Btw you look absolutely incredible!

  5. July 22, 2016 / 9:30 pm

    I totally agree with it’s normal to not have sex too. The trouble is, too many people are lying about how many times a week they are having sex, and it makes other couples feel bad.

  6. July 22, 2016 / 9:38 pm

    Being open about sex is such a great thing – I love reading posts like this, they definitely inspire me to think about how I consider my own feelings/what I like/etc etc. I also really do think ‘enthusiasm’ should be the goal, not just ‘consent’.

  7. July 22, 2016 / 9:40 pm

    YES TARA. I try and be the sex positive friend as well and I totally agree with all the points you’ve made. Also those photos are wonderful! xx

    Kimberley // thecolourchronicles.com

  8. Lauren
    July 22, 2016 / 9:45 pm

    Thank you for writing about this. There’s very few, if any, posts as raw and honest as this and I loved it. It’s refreshing and education to read about sex, seeing as so many people see it as a taboo topic and just refuse to go near it. I hope you wrote more posts about sex, I’d love to read them!

  9. July 22, 2016 / 9:47 pm

    Yes yes yes! To everything, but especially communication and consent. I also feel that I’ve only really become sexually confident in the last couple of years which is sad when you think I’ve been having sex for about 7 or 8 years, too. It’s definitely something that people need to talk about more!!

    Jess xo
    http://www.theindigohours.co.uk

  10. July 22, 2016 / 9:56 pm

    I agree to everything you said, communication is key as is consent, also don’t listen to anyone else what works for you is what is best everyone and every couple are different x

  11. July 22, 2016 / 11:23 pm

    Love this post! 🙂 I think everything you mentioned is so so important. I’ve always been a sex-positive person too and I’ve always made sure my friends know that they can talk to me about anything. Me & my best friend are very open with one another about sex too, which is great! Communication is a really good point; I have many friends who are uncomfortable discussing anything to do with sex with their sexual partners, and I always try to encourage them that communicaiton is key and that it will be so beneficial for both you and your partner if you discuss things. Thankyou for sharing this post. It’s great to see photographs like these too!

    Sarah | Raiin Monkey

  12. July 23, 2016 / 9:58 am

    Fantastic post, Tara. I especially loved the last bit about the not always feeling up for it, but it not being a reflection on either parties. That’s a really important point and something more people should consider – my ex used to make me feel ‘faulty’ for not wanting to or changing my mind when it came to saying, actually, I’m not feeling this right now. PS – Your photos are incredible.

  13. July 23, 2016 / 12:11 pm

    Totally agree that communication is key. Very honest post, good on you for sharing xxx

  14. July 23, 2016 / 6:26 pm

    This post, the photos, everything, is fucking fantastic. You’ve done yourself so proud Tara!

    Tore | www.atinymew.com xo

  15. July 23, 2016 / 7:44 pm

    I have only recently found friends I can talk openly with. Who wont judge me when I say honestly how often I have sex or whatever. It feels much more normal being able to talk about the good and the bad!

  16. July 24, 2016 / 12:24 pm

    Great post – communication is definitely key. There’s so much pressure and stigma around sex these days and it’s ridiculous. x

  17. July 24, 2016 / 3:25 pm

    Great post lovely and I totally agree, slut shaming is annoying and I don’t even know why it is still happening in this day and age x

  18. July 24, 2016 / 7:10 pm

    Tara honestly, your blog is my fave. This post. The last post. You just seem to write exactly what is on my mind and I LOVE it!!! Slut shaming is horrendous, it must stop. H x

  19. July 24, 2016 / 7:15 pm

    This is a very frank and honest post. Well done for speaking up.

  20. July 25, 2016 / 1:12 pm

    I love that this is an upfront, frank and honest post and well done you for being comfortable enough to write about it!

  21. July 26, 2016 / 2:22 pm

    Words cannot express how much I love this post and those photos are beyond gorgeous. You are hands down my favourite blogger.
    Beth x
    Mermaid in Disguise

  22. glamglitzgloss
    July 26, 2016 / 9:42 pm

    Go on girl! I am definitely the sex positive friend, sex is an everyday occurrence and people could do with being more open about it, it’s not like you can just pretend it doesn’t exist! Being open could help you with a sexual problem or make you aware there even is a problem, I think it’s great you post on topics like this

  23. July 27, 2016 / 9:20 am

    Seriously love how honest and open you are in this post. It’s OK not to have sex and it’s equally OK to have lots of it too.

  24. July 28, 2016 / 8:54 pm

    Communication is very important. I think you should be able to feel comfortable enough with your partner to freely speak on what you like, want to try and there be no judgements. I’m very pro-sex, I make no shame speaking about it to friends because sharing is caring & learning and I make no judgements because who am I to judge everyone is free to do as much and as little sex as they please but nobody should feel that we’re pornstars and are ready to go! Love the images xo

  25. September 15, 2016 / 10:31 pm

    I love this post with how honest and open it is. Its’s great to see more people especially women, come out and talk about sex more.

  26. ellabella
    September 16, 2016 / 10:23 am

    I love this post! I think a lot of people still feel like sex is something to be ashamed of and therefore are too scared to talk about it. Posts like this are great because they show people that sex is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about!

    Ella xx
    www.inellaselement.co.uk

  27. September 17, 2016 / 9:32 pm

    This was a brilliant post, loved it! Thank you for sharing 🙂
    www.elliswoolley.blogspot.com

  28. Alice
    September 21, 2016 / 10:39 pm

    I love everything about this post and those pictures are just amazing. You are beautiful!

  29. October 1, 2016 / 4:33 am

    This. There needs to be more bold people in this world & you’re leading lady! Positivity along with boldness. I hope I have a positive friend like this!??

  30. October 28, 2016 / 3:17 am

    It’s quite interesting to read a blog that talks openly about sex & relationships etc, especially since these are topics in which I personally shy away from. I can’t say I’m a very confident person anyway, but this really caught my eye! Well done you x

    www.sheintheknow.co.uk

  31. October 28, 2016 / 6:43 pm

    I’ve just read this post for the first time. So many truths in one place. The last few years have very much been a sexual awakening for me. I’m realising why I was closed off for so long, as well as what turns me on and how to be open about that. How to own it. Posts like this really help too. Thank you.
    Hayley x
    Www.curvesandcurl.co.uk

  32. November 21, 2016 / 5:36 pm

    I love this post, such a fantastic read! I would definitely see myself as being very open and positive when talking about sex but it just makes others cringe x

  33. Chloe-Rose
    February 19, 2017 / 9:35 am

    This is such an important post and people need to read this! I can’t believe it’s 2017 and we still need to reiterate that consent is vital and that slut shaming is a bad thing! You are an amazing person and I can’t wait to read more of your work ?

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