All The Ways Anxiety Affects My Life

All The Ways Anxiety Affects My Life

Anxiety is when I wake up in the morning and feel guilty about not getting up immediately.

When I sit down on the computer overwhelmed by incoming emails and notifications. What do I do first? What if this takes more time than it needs to?

When I leave the house and worry about looking silly sticking my hand out for the bus. Where should I sit? If I go upstairs, will I fall over coming down? The way I nearly talk myself out of going out as I’m half way down the road. Did I leave the straighteners on? Will the cat be okay, does she have enough water in her bowl? Will I be home late? What if I miss a train? I can’t walk home alone. What do I do if my phone dies? Is what I’m wearing going to attract people? When I walk around town. Are people looking at me? Do I look stupid? Oh god, why is that man making a beeline for me? Do I get out of the way, or will he? Where do I look?

When I’m out shopping. Oh god, how do I politely tell the shop assistant I’m just browsing? They hate me. I’d hate me too. When I’m trying on clothes. Is this worth the money? Will I wear it? I think I’m wearing the wrong bra for this. These mirrors make me look huge and I hate that I think that. Do I always look like this?

The way I beat myself up for not being able to overcome thoughts that are ingrained on us. I should know better by now. The reason I feel guilty for having a bad body image day. Why I sometimes feel like a bad feminist or activist because I am constantly trying to overcome negative thoughts. The overwhelming presence of everything that’s bad in the world and how it feels like we’re not making any strides.

The way I suddenly think about all the traits I hate about myself and wonder why they haven’t disappeared yet. Why I sometimes lay in bed at night wide awake thinking about something that happened years ago and cringing.

Why I struggle to say simple things like “I’m sorry” and “I love you”.

Anxiety is the 20 minute pep talk I give myself before making a phone call. The way I have to make notes on what I want to say. How stupid I feel afterwards when the phone call goes well. The sudden panic when an unknown number is calling me.

The way I over think everything all the time.

Why opinions that don’t matter have the power to destroy me. The way something so little has a complete domino effect. Is this how I am coming across? Does this anonymous person have a point? Does everyone actually think this about me? The way I ask myself about 50 questions before scheduling a blog post and the overwhelming sense of dread I feel before it goes live. Did I include this thing? Will people take this the wrong way? Did I word this right? Is the language okay? Should I just not publish at all?

Anxiety is why I am constantly plagued with crushing self-doubt every time I achieve something. Imposter Syndrome is the story of my life.

Why I come across as standoffish when I meet new people. The way I push people away when I’m hurting, even those that can help. The reason I feel like I should deal with everything alone. Why my bitch face is never resting.

The fear of public speaking I never got over.

The reason I’m not great in crowds.

The way I like plans to be put together. The reason why last-minute changes throw me off. That annoying feeling of anticipation that keeps me on edge and distracted throughout the day.

When I can’t shut my brain off for even five minutes. The way I have to schedule in time to relax. Why I have to actively remind myself to ‘switch off’. The reason I am always scribbling down thoughts, ideas, worries.

The way it makes really simple tasks seem completely revolutionary.

Anxiety is the self-hatred I battle with everyday. Why am I like this? Why do these things bother me? When will I change?

 

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10 Comments

  1. March 22, 2017 / 12:15 pm

    Oh Tara – this was like reading back something about myself. I totally relate and understand, and wish I had something useful to say. Just know that I am thinking of you and sending love. *Hug*

  2. March 22, 2017 / 4:21 pm

    Wow. Reading this, it felt as if I was reading something I’d written! You’ve managed to verbalise exactly how I feel every single day. Anxiety is fucking exhausting; overthinking everything, being always in a state of fear and worry. Thanks for sharing this with us <3

  3. Cora
    March 22, 2017 / 11:40 pm

    This post is so relateable! Thanks for sharing!

  4. March 23, 2017 / 11:54 am

    Wow, this felt like I was reading my own internal monologue. Particularly the parts worrying about how you look to other people, what people think of you, the million thoughts about a seemingly simple task (ie. catching a bus).

    I am sorry you are going through this but thank you so much for posting and making me feel a little less alone in my thoughts!

    Sarah xx
    www.morethangreens.com

  5. March 26, 2017 / 8:52 pm

    This was like reading about my own daily struggles – I overthink everything and I always have done. I would never wish anxiety on anyone, but knowing I’m not on my own helps enormously, so thank you for having the courage to share this. Sending lots of love xxxx

  6. March 29, 2017 / 1:55 am

    Definitely relating to this one, I always have my doubts in everything I’m about to do and everything that I’m currently doind. But somehow this helps me get more informed about things not usually thought by others because of too much spending time thinking of questions. Thanks for posting 🙂

  7. March 30, 2017 / 10:23 pm

    Omg, I feel you girl. Such well written post… I can totally relate to many things mentioned here. 🙂 We’re in this together!
    xx finja ~ www.effcaa.com

  8. April 1, 2017 / 12:01 am

    I totally get what you mean! I think about every thing I do and analyze it and question myself a hundred times, and am constantly worrying about everything. I made an off-hand comment to my friend at school today and she was shocked! Something like, “Yeah, I just assume everyone hates me so I try to keep to myself.” And that’s when I started thinking, er-man, is that not a normal way to think? Should I not have said that? Did other people over hear? Do they think I’m a loser with zero self-esteem now? Aren’t I though?

  9. April 25, 2017 / 8:58 pm

    This just made me cry. I don’t think I’ve ever read something that truly sounds like it has come from inside my own mind. This was like everything I feel written down, but it was also the most reassuring thing I’ve ever read because now I know I’m not alone. Thank you so much for sharing this.
    Hayley X

  10. May 16, 2017 / 3:32 pm

    Such a relatable post i felt like its something my old self would have said!

    Something that really helped me is E.P Therapy, it look about 6 weeks to completely work but afterwards I found my mind to be a much calmed place and looked at things a lot differently!
    I would highly recommend looking into it for a long term fix in such a simple way.

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